chucknorris

  1King Kong climbed the Empire State building in fear of Chuck Norris who was downstairs at the time.
  2%
  3"2012" is code for, Chuck Norris when he is pissed.
  4%
  5"The Big Chuck Norris Roundhouse-Kick Theory"
  6%
  7"The wind cries Chuck Norris"
  8%
  9"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.
 10%
 11A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
 12%
 13Abraham Lincoln didn't die because he was shot, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked so fast his foot went back in time and killed Abraham Lincoln.
 14%
 15Achievement Unlocked: Chuck Norris of Death
 16%
 17After Chuck counted to infinity the first time, he vowed to count to infinity a second time....by counting the bodies of those previously roundhoused.
 18%
 19Aliens fear that Chuck Norris might abduct them.
 20%
 21An angry glare from Chuck Norris is known to kill on the spot.
 22%
 23Behind every successful man is Chuck Norris.
 24%
 25Beware of dogs... Dogs, beware of Chuck Norris.
 26%
 27Bruce Lee didn't defeat Chuck Norris.  Chuck hit Bruce with a Delayed roundhouse kick that was so fast that Lee only felt the impact a year later!
 28%
 29CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
 30%
 31Casinos pay Chuck Norris not to play at anything or wish anyone good luck.
 32%
 33Chuck Norris - the new standard.
 34%
 35Chuck Norris CAN balance the light-switch between ON and OFF.
 36%
 37Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
 38%
 39Chuck Norris CAN spell with an I before E even after C.
 40%
 41Chuck Norris can play the theme from the Twilight Zone with his beard.
 42%
 43Chuck Norris can power solar panels. At night.
 44%
 45Chuck Norris watches "the Nat.Geo. Specials" on Discovery Channel.
 46%
 47Chuck Norris bowled a 301 after constructing another pin out of his beard hair.
 48%
 49Chuck Norris burnt a fire proof vest, UNDERWATER!
 50%
 51Chuck Norris can French kiss his elbow.
 52%
 53Chuck Norris can bake in a freezer.
 54%
 55Chuck Norris can defuse a bomb by cutting the wrong wire.
 56%
 57Chuck Norris can dig a hole in air.
 58%
 59Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
 60%
 61Chuck Norris can do a regime change with a roundhouse kick.
 62%
 63Chuck Norris can fit 10 gallons of water in a 5 gallon bucket.
 64%
 65Chuck Norris can grill a popsicle.
 66%
 67Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
 68%
 69Chuck Norris can make his own megazord "The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kickers Ultimate Super Awesome Megazord".
 70%
 71Chuck Norris can milk an alligator.
 72%
 73Chuck Norris can play the death waltz with his chin.
 74%
 75Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick someone through a window without breaking the glass.
 76%
 77Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick round houses into squares.
 78%
 79Chuck Norris can rub two fires together and make a stick!
 80%
 81Chuck Norris can see in 3D with just one eye.
 82%
 83Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
 84%
 85Chuck Norris can terminate a repeating decimal.
 86%
 87Chuck Norris can turn toast back into bread.
 88%
 89Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
 90%
 91Chuck Norris can win in a top spinning tournament with a cube.
 92%
 93Chuck Norris can't perform Hadoukens, he IS a Hadouken.
 94%
 95Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.
 96%
 97Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
 98%
 99Chuck Norris created Heavy Metal when he was upset.
100%
101Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
102%
103Chuck Norris does not have a cell phone because he hears everything.
104%
105Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
106%
107Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
108%
109Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you just answer the wrong phone.
110%
111Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
112%
113Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
114%
115Chuck Norris doesn't eat, he just sucks the energy out of food by staring at it.
116%
117Chuck Norris doesn't exhale. The air runs desperately scared out of his lungs.
118%
119Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
120%
121Chuck Norris doesn't let it go.
122%
123Chuck Norris doesn't like Mudkipz.
124%
125Chuck Norris doesn't look for fun. The fun looks for Chuck Norris.
126%
127Chuck Norris doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He catches them with his bare hands.
128%
129Chuck Norris doesn't need air, he is air.
130%
131Chuck Norris doesn't need sunglasses, the sun needs Chuck Norris glasses.
132%
133Chuck Norris doesn't need to brush his teeth, his spit acts as a bleach.
134%
135Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
136%
137Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
138%
139Chuck Norris doesn't eat salad, he eats vegetarians.
140%
141Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
142%
143Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
144%
145Chuck Norris doesn't carry a list. He always knows what to do.
146%
147Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
148%
149Chuck Norris drowned a man ON LAND.
150%
151Chuck Norris fed the Hunger Games.
152%
153Chuck Norris found the hay in the needle stack.
154%
155Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.
156%
157Chuck Norris had a knife thrown at him. The knife didn't impale him; he impaled the knife.
158%
159Chuck Norris has a battle cruiser AND a car.
160%
161Chuck Norris has killed the Dead Sea.
162%
163Chuck Norris has made a 148 break at snooker.
164%
165Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
166%
167Chuck Norris is allowed two carry-ons.
168%
169Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
170%
171Chuck Norris is currently suing any broadway theater that plays "The Nutcracker". He claims its an infringement on his "other" roundhouse kick.
172%
173Chuck Norris is entitled to his own facts.
174%
175Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
176%
177Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
178%
179Chuck Norris is so hard, he uses diamonds as stress balls.
180%
181Chuck Norris is so scary, he makes sharks swim backwards away from him.
182%
183Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
184%
185Chuck Norris is the ghost in paranormal activity.
186%
187Chuck Norris is the life of parties he doesn't attend.
188%
189Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
190%
191Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
192%
193Chuck Norris is the only one who can tear a facebook page!
194%
195Chuck Norris is the reason that the world will end in 2012. He was getting bored with the Earth.
196%
197Chuck Norris is the reason tumbleweeds tumble.
198%
199Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
200%
201Chuck Norris is waiting for Mt. St. Helens to erupt again. He's hoping the lava is hot enough to soften his beard so he can shave for the first time.
202%
203Chuck Norris isn't allowed at the zoo, because when he's there the animals are too terrified to come out of their cages.
204%
205Chuck Norris made a statue bleed.
206%
207Chuck Norris made the big bang just by clicking his fingers.
208%
209Chuck Norris never trains, because he's Chuck Norris.
210%
211Chuck Norris once cried just to see what it was like. The end result was the creation of life.
212%
213Chuck Norris once cut a knife with a stick of butter.
214%
215Chuck Norris once got a 200 yard punt return.
216%
217Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey named KING KONG.
218%
219Chuck Norris once had a street named after him. The name removed at once, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris, and lives.
220%
221Chuck Norris once had a weak moment, just to know what it felt like.
222%
223Chuck Norris once played Duck Duck Goose with a group of Kindergarteners. Only one kid made it to first grade.
224%
225Chuck Norris once proved p^~p by induction on his beard hairs.
226%
227Chuck Norris once punched the ground to stop an earthquake. The resulting aftershock caused the BP oil spill.
228%
229Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
230%
231Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a football. The astronomical society now considers it a planet.
232%
233Chuck Norris once thought he was wrong. He was, however, mistaken.
234%
235Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets. He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons.
236%
237Chuck Norris once won the Tour de France riding a "big wheel".
238%
239Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
240%
241Chuck Norris owns all number 1 pencils.
242%
243Chuck Norris pees Adamantium.
244%
245Chuck Norris plays Texas Hold'Em with Zeus, every second Wednesday of the month.
246%
247Chuck Norris played "Got your Nose" with Voldemort and won.
248%
249Chuck Norris played the game of thrones and won.
250%
251Chuck Norris protects his bodyguards.
252%
253Chuck Norris rolled a 20 on a 6 sided die.
254%
255Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
256%
257Chuck Norris sent a BBM to an iPhone.
258%
259Chuck Norris shops at Sam's Club, but leaves without having his receipt checked.
260%
261Chuck Norris splattered tiger blood and Adonis' DNA on Charlie Sheen with 1 roundhouse kick!
262%
263Chuck Norris started Chuck Norris.
264%
265Chuck Norris starts his day with 6 live chickens, two cows, three pigs, and a boiling hot cup of pure fury.
266%
267Chuck Norris told me to put this here.
268%
269Chuck Norris uses a real mouse to move the cursor, type on the keyboard, write e-mails, code entire websites, and make coffee.
270%
271Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
272%
273Chuck Norris was heard in a soundproof room!
274%
275Chuck Norris was once turned down for American Idol. When Simon was questioned about it, he replied "I'm retiring after this season". I wonder why?
276%
277Chuck Norris was originally in Mortal Kombat, but that version was deleted because no one can beat Chuck Norris in a fight.
278%
279Chuck Norris was the image used for Papa Smurf.
280%
281Chuck Norris was the reason why the Great Wall of China was constructed. It failed miserably.
282%
283Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about.
284%
285Chuck Norris wasn't born on his birthday.
286%
287Chuck Norris watched the first steps on the moon... from his summer home on Mars.
288%
289Chuck Norris went up the creek without a paddle... or a canoe.
290%
291Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
292%
293Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns.
294%
295Chuck Norris won a stepdance contest by standing on his hands.
296%
297Chuck Norris yells at drill Sergeants.
298%
299Chuck Norris' dog picks up after him.
300%
301Chuck Norris' films are factual documentaries.
302%
303Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
304%
305Chuck Norris' glass is never half full or half empty. It stays full even after he takes a drink.
306%
307Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
308%
309Chuck Norris' personal airplane is called Air Force Chuck.
310%
311Chuck Norris. Enough said.
312%
313Chuck Norris: even Naruto can't believe it.
314%
315Chuck Norris can make sour milk turn fresh.
316%
317Contrary to popular belief, Rome WAS built in a day, by Chuck Norris.
318%
319Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
320%
321Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth.
322%
323Cops don't need badges in their wallets, but only a picture of Chuck Norris.
324%
325Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
326%
327Did you hear about the boy who cried Chuck Norris?
328%
329Dog the Bounty Hunter can't track Chuck Norris down.
330%
331Don't get Chuck Norris angry. Last time somebody did that, Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon.
332%
333Earth's rotation is purely governed by the direction that Chuck Norris is walking.
334%
335Ever wonder what really happened to the dinosaurs? They all dug their own graves when they heard Chuck Norris was coming.
336%
337Every line in a Chuck Norris haiku is "A roundhouse kick to the face." And they all have the correct number of syllables.
338%
339Every phobia known to man has a phobia of Chuck Norris.
340%
341Every time there's an earthquake, you know Chuck Norris is hungry. The earthquake is caused by his stomach growling.
342%
343Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
344%
345Fear of spiders is arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
346%
347Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
348%
349Ghosts can see Chuck Norris.
350%
351Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
352%
353How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?  No woodchuck could chuck Chuck's wood!
354%
355If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
356%
357If Chuck Norris were to get into a fight with another Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win.
358%
359If God doesn't know, Chuck does.
360%
361If Goliath listened to Chuck Norris, he would have won.
362%
363If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
364%
365If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
366%
367If you put in the correct cheat code in Halo 2, you can have Master Chief play without his helmet, revealing himself to be Chuck Norris.
368%
369If you see a man in the street who looks like Chuck Norris, but isn't, run: you don't want to be caught in the resulting roundhouse kick to his face.
370%
371If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
372%
373In 1945 The US army asked if they could clone Chuck Norris. Instead he said he could sort out the Japanese.
374%
375In Texas, there are five sizes for fountain drinks: small, medium, large, Texas sized, and Chuck Norris sized.  It is a cup made of a human skull.
376%
377In a rain storm Chuck Norris stays dry. Rain drops are scared to hit him.
378%
379In the back of the book of world records, it says "All records are held by Chuck Norris. The ones listed are in second place."
380%
381James Bond has a license to kill. He got it from Chuck Norris.
382%
383Jedis are now taught to use the "Chuck".
384%
385MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
386%
387Machiavelli said it is better to be feared than loved because he was inspired by Chuck Norris.
388%
389May the Force be with Chuck Norris... for its own good.
390%
391Merlin was Chuck Norris' assistant.
392%
393Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
394%
395Note to self: Don't be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.
396%
397Chuck Norris' keyboard has no control key. Chuck Norris is always in control.
398%
399Once upon a time, Chuck Norris found himself in a town called Shit Creek. He opened a Paddle Store.
400%
401One glance from Chuck Norris and snow turns itself yellow.
402%
403One time a test cheated on Chuck Norris.
404%
405Only Chuck Norris can win the mind game, 'cause he never minds.
406%
407Only Chuck Norris is stronger than an Altoid.
408%
409Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
410%
411Ozzy Osbourne once accidentally bit the head off a live bat - Chuck Norris once deliberately bit the head off a live pterodactyl.
412%
413Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
414%
415Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
416%
417Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
418%
419Simon doesn't say... Chuck Norris says.
420%
421Some boots were made for walking. Some boots may walk all over you, but Chuck Norris' boots walk THROUGH you.
422%
423Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.
424%
425Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
426%
427Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
428%
429Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
430%
431Taking Karate Lessons = $100, Buying MMA DVD's = $150, Subscribing to a UFC event = $50, Getting a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris = PRICELESS.
432%
433That's not an eclipse. That's the sun hiding from Chuck Norris.
434%
435The Beatles are on iTunes because Chuck Norris bought a Mac.
436%
437The Earth is made up of two-thirds water and one-third Chuck Norris.
438%
439The Earth was almost destroyed by a 50 km wide asteroid in 1984, but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into the Sun.
440%
441The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
442%
443The Joneses are trying to keep up with Chuck Norris.
444%
445The Matrix Trilogy would have ended on the first movie had Keanu Reeves said, “I know Chuck Norris.”
446%
447The answer to life, the universe and everything isn't 42. It's Chuck Norris.
448%
449The apple falls far from the tree, when Chuck's roundhouse kick is taken to the trunk.
450%
451The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. it's knowing that Chuck Norris let you live.
452%
453The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
454%
455The dictionary references Chuck Norris several times, he is mentioned under Fear, Law, Order and Chucktatorship.
456%
457The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
458%
459The letters in Chuck Norris cannot be unscrambled.
460%
461The only place where the Starship Enterprise refuses to boldly go is Chuck Norris' planet... which is all of them.
462%
463The only reason that USA lost the 2011 world cup to Japan is because Chuck Norris wasn't there.
464%
465The only sure things are Death and Taxes, and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
466%
467The only way sharks will come near CN underwater is when CN is inside of a cage.
468%
469The only word that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris.
470%
471The producers of the movie "The Last Airbender" are now in talks with Chuck Norris in Order to star him in their next sequel "The Last Skull Bender".
472%
473The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
474%
475The reason why Batman only comes out at night is because he's afraid he might encounter Chuck Norris in the morning and afternoon.
476%
477The red phone in the oval office rings directly to Chuck Norris' cell phone.
478%
479The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
480%
481The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.  Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.
482%
483The sun only rises every morning because Chuck Norris allows it to.
484%
485The truth hurts, doesn't it? Chuck Norris' truth kills.
486%
487There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
488%
489There is no limbo, only a world that doesn't know of Chuck Norris.
490%
491There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
492%
493There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
494%
495This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris.
496%
497Those who ignore history, are doomed by Chuck Norris.
498%
499Trick me once, shame on you, trick Chuck Norris.. rest in peace.
500%
501Unlike Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris doesn't need bullets. A quick roundhouse to the face kills twice as fast.
502%
503Walker: Texas Ranger went into syndication before the first episode was shot.
504%
505What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
506%
507Whatever Chuck Norris wants, it will instantly appear.
508%
509When Betty White gets angry, she turns into the Hulk. When Valerie Bertinelli gets mad, she turns into Chuck Norris.
510%
511When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough." He types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."
512%
513When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
514%
515When Chuck Norris drinks water, the water automatically pasteurized.
516%
517When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
518%
519When Chuck Norris goes to rodeos, bulls ride him.
520%
521When Chuck Norris goes to the library, he looks for the Guinness book of records in the comedy section.
522%
523When Chuck Norris inhales helium, his voice doesn't change.
524%
525When Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he's actually measuring the circumference of the universe.
526%
527When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
528%
529When Chuck Norris pokes the Pillsbury Doughboy, it's not a laughing matter.
530%
531When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you, he decides when you will feel the impact.
532%
533When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
534%
535When Chuck Norris tosses a coin, it lands on both heads and tails.
536%
537When God said "Let there be light!", Chuck Norris said "Only for half the day."
538%
539When Presidents speak, their nation listens. When Chuck Norris blinks, the whole world listens.
540%
541When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
542%
543When chuck Norris was in school, he made his PE teacher run laps.
544%
545When does Chuck Norris run out of shotgun bullets? whenever he wants to.
546%
547When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
548%
549When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
550%
551When things go bump in the night, it's Chuck Norris
552%
553While visiting the Hexagon, Chuck Norris was asked to demonstrate his famous roundhouse kick. Henceforth, it has been known as the Pentagon.
554%
555Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris got to it first.
556%
557You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right? Last I heard, he was in the movie "Godzilla". Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well.
558%
559http://chucknorrisfacts.com/ is built in Drupal because Chuck Norris knows a good CMS when he sees one.
560%
561Chuck Norris made the first Giraffe by uppercutting a horse.
562%
563Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
564%
565Chuck Norris make onions cry.
566%
567Chuck Norris doesn't shake hands, he makes them tremble.
568%